“The Boys are Back in Town”

August 29th, 2008
Once every 20 something years a band comes around that defines a generation (by my calculations Metallica was the last to do this). And they will soon be dethroned by the newest, craziest, drunkest band ever to rock a party this century! Ladies and Gentleman this note formally announces the Hick Hop reunion tour!

Since I’m sure you all will have a million questions, I figured I would post a FAQ sheet so that we are all on the same page.

Who is Hick Hop you ask? Well that is simple, it is comprised of myself, my brother and a group of musicians to be named at a later time. (See photo below)

Yes, this a picture of the original members of Hick Hop

What type of Music will Hick Hop play? We will cover rap songs with country back end, and also cover country songs with a rap beat. Have you ever heard “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” with a DMX beat? I didn’t think so, but don’t worry you will soon enough. Just to make this a complete cluster fuck we may also be doing Pop songs in a thrash metal style.

Drew, you have no talent what will you do in the band? I have plenty of talents! As a guy who has seen many concerts, all the good rap bands have people that just jump around on stage and shout once in a while. I will be filling this void, and doing lead vocals on the songs that require I have no rhythm or melody.

I’ve got mad skills. You just don’t know it.

Wait a sec, this is a reunion, why is this first time I have heard of your Hick Hop? The original formation of the band was so successful we had to call it quits after just one show! How many bands do you know that are that awesome? Exactly what I thought. None. The first and only show took place in Nelsonville, OH at the world famous music venue known as the Ice House. The Busch Light was flowing, and those red necks loved us! We had them on their feet rocking!

Who says I can’t be a front man?

If you were so successful in your first run why in the hell are you reuniting? We believe the socioeconomic conditions are just right for a comeback tour. Plus I haven’t had my hair cut in about a month, meaning I have a sweet Mel Gibson 80s style mullet going on. And as we all know all great bands had a Mel Gibson 80s style Mullet (Bon Jovi…just to name one).

When and where will this tour happen? This tour will go down some time between now and 2012. We still have to recruit a backing band, as the karaoke machine we used on the first run is no longer available. This is where you come in people! If you play drums, base, or guitar and would like to join up with the original members of Hick Hop drop me a line! This is you chance of a life time to rock with some southern Ohio legends. Please do not apply if:

  • You plan on making any money at all
  • Have a problem with playing in back yards and shady bars
  • Suck at your instrument. We have two members with next to no talent as it is
  • You possess any sort of artistic vision. Myself and Scott are the leaders of this band. We may make you play from behind a curtain just so you know your role.

I look forward to hearing from all interested parties. 

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The Greatest Gift of All

August 5th, 2008
First I would like to begin by wishing Scotty Shrader (My Brother) a happy birthday.

They say the greatest gift of all is that of knowledge. The world is full of useful knowledge, and yesterday Scott learned a lesson for the ages. He learned why white castle hamburgers are called “sliders”. And much to his dismay it was not a reference to a baseball play.

Scott learned this lesson the hard way. I picked him up yesterday in order to take him out to lunch for his birthday. I informed him that he could have anything he wanted. As luck would have it the first place we drove by was a White Castle. And Scott was nice enough to inform me he had never had White Castle. By stating this he had officially picked the location of his birthday meal.

Upon viewing the menu he was overwhelmed. There were too many choices. Would he choose hamburgers, cheese burgers, double cheeseburgers, chicken rings or a fish sandwich? Luckily I was there to recomend the Jalepeno Cheeseburgers to him.

My advice was plain and simple. “Take it easy boy, you do not know what you are up against.”

His response- “Give me a ten sack”

Just for reference purposes I ordered four of them, and as you all know I am well capable of eating more than Scott. (I learned my lesson back in the great white castle eat off of ‘03. Where I finished 18 of them but that is a different story for a different day)

The look of pleasure on his face when he bit into the steamed burger, covered in onions, and spicy cheese was a look of ecstasy. Perhaps Scott had found the meaning of life? I didn’t ask, and the world will never know. One thing is for sure he enjoyed it.

Like a champ (and against my warnings), he took all ten burgers to the face.

Today we had this text message exchange-

Drew - “Happy birthday”

Scott- “Thanks dude. I’m still not right after that castle”

Drew- “We should go again tomorrow”

Scott- “Not ’til next year”

Ladies and gentleman, we call this an overdose.

I’m pretty sure he had a “crappy” birthday, to say the least. Luckily we were sober, and I’m sure it is a lesson he will never forget. With any luck at all he will someday pass it on to somebody ignorant of the powers found between the buns of a “slider”. Greatest birthday present ever.

 

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Drew goes to a rap concert, with expected outcomes

July 31st, 2008

Do you guys have a list of things that you have always promised yourself you will never do?

Well my list looks like this:

  • fight a bear
  • eat a hot dog
  • not drink at an open bar
  • go to a rap concert

I made this list, because if I were to do one of these things, only bad things could happen.

Well, as luck would have it…I had a chance to violate one of these rules yesterday, and I ended up following through with it. I went to a rap concert. And what is the worst part of this? I was actually sober. Who was the rapper in question? - Snoop Dogg. If it was anyone else I think the above list would still be in tact.
Snoop took the stage around 8pm and put on a rocking show! I thought maybe my list above was just a bunch of bullshit, but alas something bad would happen.

Towards the end of the show, I was having the time of my life when I suffered what will forever be known as the worst insult to man. I was rocking out, when all of a sudden something slapped the side of my face. I turned around looking to swing but saw no ones. Which leads me to the question, who in the fuck would slap Drew in the face and then run away? At this point I decided to investigate, and what did I find on the ground? The weapon of choice- A MOTHER FUCKING FLIP FLOP.

Yes, some ass hat threw a flip flop at my beautiful face. I would have rather had someone spit on me, and then make fun of my heritage.

Back on point; Why is this so disgraceful you ask? well for several reasons:

  • the flip flop is the hippies choice of foot wear
  • it is fucking disgusting. one side of this device touches the ground, the other touches the most disgust part of the human body (the foot)

Immediately I ran to the bathroom and began washing my face. Then I went back to look for the one shoed bandit. I wasn’t lucky enough to locate them. This is a good thing, as my knee would have probably tried to perform surgery on their skull. I should have kept the shoe, and had a Cinderella esk contest with a fake money reward to the person that fit into the flip flop.

Seriously, I’ve been a good person lately. Why would someone do this to me? Perhaps it was someone I had wronged in my younger years, did I hit on their girlfriend, did I beat them at golf? Because the culprit ran away, the world may never know.

What’s the moral of this story? Make a list of things you will not ever do, and stick to it.

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Life Long Goal Numero Dos

June 20th, 2008
In case some of you guys couldn’t tell from my last blog entry, I have a different set of goals in life than most people. Todays goal I will be discussing is no exception to that.

Life Long Goal Number Two- Win the showcase showdown on The Price is Right.

You could say the first five years of my life were awesome. I did nothing but eat, sleep, play and watch The Price is Right. I always had the most awesome babysitters while growing up that afforded me the right to turn the TV to CBS everyday at 11 and watch Bob Barker in all his infinite glory give away the sweetest prizes known to man.

Imagine the system shock I received on August 21, 1989 when I learned that I would be plucked from my common surroundings and be placed in the Hell hole known as Kindergarten. On the surface it seemed all fine and dandy. There were other kids my age, we would be learning to read, there was a nap time, and we got to use glue instead of paste! But under all of the fun sounding things there was a deep dark problem- there was no TV?!?!?!? How the fuck am I supposed to hone in my pricing skills if I can’t get my daily fix?

After a few months of constant crying Mom and Dad told me about the one thing left that was awesome in life- Summer vacation. I was to be alloted 3 months every year in which I could watch the Price is Right 5 days a week, and no one could ever take that away.

Unfortunately, they forgot to inform me that the three month period ended upon graduation from high school. I swear to God, life is full of way too many lies and hardships

For the next 13 years I practiced my pricing skills until they got to a level superior to anyone that has ever played the game. I was ready to journey out to California and show those hipsters who was boss! Then I ran into a minor problem- It takes a shit ton of money to fly to the west coast, and I was poor. Later that summer I moved off to college, in hopes that after a few years I could get a job that would pay me well enough to finance my dreams.

Unfortunately three minutes after arriving in Columbus I discovered booze, promiscuous women, and a few other things that shouldn’t be discussed. I forgot about my goal that day, and let it fall to the wayside for five years.

As luck would have it, I now have a job that allows me to work from home! And what did I quickly pick back up on, you ask? That’s right…The Price is Right! Over the past few months I have taken my lunch break promptly from 11-12 everyday.

My dream is back and better than ever! Now that I have a steady bank roll I will shortly be financing a trip to contestants row. What’s that, you don’t think I can make it to contestants row? Well, I have an idea for a t-shirt that will get me front and center-

“My name is Drew and I’m from Ohio too!”

How could the producers keep me out in the cold with a T-shirt like that? That’s right, they can’t. I’m thinking a trip will be planned for the summer of ‘09.

Hearing that tuba play when a contestant loses (you know- ba bump ba nahhhhh behhhh buhhhhhhh) will be the greatest thing I have ever experienced, assuming that it’s not me they are blaring it at.

Side note- The show has gotten much easier as of late, someone hits $1 on the big wheel 3+ times a week. With my advanced scouting knowledge and the dumbing down of the game, I will be sure to crush all that get in my way….

Look for a new blog entry about my favorite games on the show soon.

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Wooaaaahhhhh ohhhh I’m half way there

June 13th, 2008
Wow, it has been a long time since I have written something so personal. In case you can’t guess this is about a milestone in my life that after years of trying I’m on the verge of completing.

Several of you know about my fondness for Bon Jovi. I like to think I was conceived while Slippery When Wet was on the record player. Sadly this can not be a reality since the album came out in ‘86 and I was born in ‘84. Sometimes I wonder how I can be this awesome, even though this is not true.

On with the milestone- (For those of you guessing) I’m not:

  • Getting Married
  • Getting Engaged
  • Having a child
  • or meeting Bon Jovi

I am however getting this-

Yes ladies and gentleman, that is an original vinyl copy of Slippery When Wet.

And what’s the best part? It is free! I fully expected to pay around $6.00 plus S&H on ebay to achieve this. Thanks to an awesome person (who will remain nameless for her own security while transporting this album) I will be the beneficiary of the greatest gift ever.

Now all I need to do is: get a record player, go to Detroit for the Bon Jovi show next month, have them sign it and most of my life goals will be complete. Sadly I don’t have very large breasts, and I think that is a requirement to meet good ol’ Jon and the boys. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to keep “Livin’ on a Prayer”.

Now on to task number two, deciding who to will this to. After reading this, I should probably re-evaluate my goals in life while I’m at it.

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